Reactive language puts the control outside of you and gives it to someone or something else. Using proactive language puts you in control. You select the consequences you desire, then choose the actions that you believe lead to those consequences.
“Have To” or “Choose To”?
“I have to stay up till I finish this paper,” my daughter said to me. She was in middle school and I had gone in to remind her that it was close to bed time.
“Have to?” I asked. “Or choose to?”
“Oh, I have to finish it,” she replied.
“What happens if you don’t finish it?”
She gave me a look that said, “Can you really be that dumb!?” Out loud, she said, “I’ll get an F on the paper!”
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